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Issue #41: December 1, 2004
To our readers:
You've heard of guerrilla warfare and guerrilla marketing - both might be characterized as using "irregular" methods and an element of surprise. While feelings of anger, resentment, embarrassment, and hurt aren't "irregular," they can surprise you with their ability to direct your behavior in ways that are contrary to your best interest. And like a big hairy gorilla camped out in your office, they can put a damper on your working relationships.
Last month's Brief Tips discussed how not taking things personally boosts your effectiveness in working with others and accomplishing your goals. Use this link to read that issue. A major component of not taking things personally is to think about how to respond to situations, people, and discussions rather than to react in accordance with your "guerrilla" feelings. You feel what you feel, but it is best if you think about how to behave. Thinking should trump feelings when your career is involved, no matter how justified your injured feelings. Or especially when your feelings are justified.
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Four Tips for Dealing with Guerrilla Feelings that Can Hamper Your Ability to Think Clearly
1. Recognize the value of thinking even when you are angry.
The first step in dealing with powerful feelings that can interfere with your ability to think clearly is to decide you want to think clearly. Recognize that your thinking must trump your feelings for awhile. Believe that even though you feel angry about being slighted, it is important that you put your anger aside long enough to deal wisely with what has made you angry. Do this and you are halfway there.
2. Give up the pleasure of nursing your bad feelings.
Feelings are very important, and we enrich our lives by recognizing our feelings and dealing with them fully and appreciatively. Good psychology instructs us to acknowledge and experience our feelings, even painful ones like anger, hurt, grief, and sadness. As well, few of us have not experienced the pleasure of wallowing in feelings of anger and hurt, metaphorically licking our wounds.
However, there are times when licking our wounds is counter-productive, and nursing our bad feelings is contraindicated - times when we do ourselves more harm than good by indulging our feelings. This applies especially to those feelings that stem from real or imagined insults, real or imagined oversights, and errors of judgment made by colleagues and leaders that affect us negatively. We can acknowledge the guerrilla feelings these insults, oversights, and errors induce within us without taking valuable time to deeply experience them. These are the feelings we can put aside in order to work more productively and with greater satisfaction. Nursing these bad feelings is a waste of time, energy, and mind power.
3. When tempted to succumb to negative feelings, ask yourself if that's what you really want.
When you feel abused and are ready to fume with anger, ask yourself if that will really serve your purpose. Sometimes it might! When it does, throw a huge fit if you want to. Most often, however, what you'll really want is to prepare a finely-worded report for your boss or sell the most product or get a decision made in a meeting.
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Those accomplishments aren't helped along by your anger and resentment, they're usually hampered by feelings that interfere with your clear assessment of information and your ability to achieve compromise and obtain concessions in negotiation. Respect your feelings, but don't let them rule you. Keep that gorilla in his cage while you think through the situation at hand. You can always let him out later if you want to.
4. Plan ahead.
One of the greatest tools we have for determining our own behavior is to plan what our behavior will be. In light of the recent rash of fighting among professional and college sports teams and their fans, Coach Mark Richt of the University of Georgia Bulldogs was asked in a press conference what steps he had taken to stem that inclination in his own team. He said he told his players to plan what they would say and what they would do if faced with statements and behavior that made them want to fight.
When you plan your responses, you give your thought processes a route to follow other than the one provided by a knee-jerk reaction. For example, plan what to say if someone disregards your suggestion in a meeting. A comic response might be "What am I, Casper the Ghost? I just offered a solution to this problem and no one paid any attention to it." A serious response might be "Before moving on to the next agenda item, let's look at the suggestion I just made." Plan what to do. You might plan to maintain a steady, calm look on your face rather than scowl or let your jaw drop in anger or shock. You might plan to keep your hands in your lap so you don't shake a fist at someone who just said something obnoxiously offensive.
The greatest tool in your toolbox is your brain. It's not enough to have it in your toolbox - you must choose to use it as well. Use your brain, and you can enjoy your feelings without allowing your feelings to become a gorilla in your midst.
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