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Issue 5: July 23, 2001
To our readers:
Last month Brief Tips described the four basic tenets of dealing positively with conflict. Unfortunately, conflict sometimes explodes in anger before you've dealt with it. And apparently the number of angry outbursts in the work place is rising, according to a national survey of more than 1,300 American workers (November 2000 CNN.com news article by Beth Nissen). Such outbursts include yelling, verbal abuse, attacks on office equipment, and fistfights with fellow workers. Nearly 42% of the respondents said yelling and verbal abuse had occurred where they worked.
While the more dramatic consequences of work place anger make the headlines, most of its effects are subtle, according to a 1999 Associated Press article. A tendency to do the minimum amount of work needed to get by and a hostile work environment are two such effects. These can carve significant dollars out of the bottom line for companies.
Leaders and employees who know how to defuse anger are likely to suffer fewer ill effects from it.
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Following are five tips for defusing anger:
1. Determine not to get angry yourself.
This is difficult to do but absolutely essential if you're going to calm an angry person. As soon as you realize you are dealing with someone who is angry, cut off your own angry feelings. You can deal with them later. Your job now is to focus on the other person and his or her feelings.
2. Get on the same physical level as the other person.
If you are sitting and the angry person is standing, you stand up. If you are standing and the other person is sitting, find a chair and sit down. Ideally, you should be standing or sitting about six feet apart. When you physically mirror the position and posture of the other person, you help to build rapport. A feeling of rapport helps to disarm the other person.
3. Don't even think about defending yourself or your organization.
This is not the time for you to talk. This is the time for you to listen. An angry person is nowhere near being able to listen to you, so your effort to explain would be wasted in any case. The person needs to calm down first by saying his or her piece. Don't give a second thought to when you will be able to say your piece.
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4. Express concern nonverbally.
Use your eyes and face to say, "I hear you and I want to help." Sound difficult? Think of how you would talk to a dear friend or loved one who was in distress, how you would focus your eyes on her or him, how you would nod occasionally as she spoke, how you would sometimes lean toward him to better hear what he was saying. Do these things with an angry person.
5. Listen to understand.
If you are going to present possible solutions later, you'll have to know exactly what the source of the person's anger is. Your listening also allows the other person to vent and encourages him or her to trust you. For tips on listening, click here to see Brief Tips Issues 1 and 2.
For Tips on dealing positively with conflict, click here and view Brief Tips Issue 4.
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