Four Tips for Using Silence to Improve Communication

 
Issue #28: July 31, 2003

To our readers:

The two mountains of communication are talking and listening. Talking helps us get our message across, and listening enables us to hear the messages of others. Between these two mountains is a valley we can think of as a third component of communication: remaining silent. It's where we refrain from talking, though we may or may not be actively listening. It's a resting point, a contemplative stop, a placeholder for our thoughts, feelings, and decisions when we are not ready to speak or decide

In last month's Brief Tips we discussed the use of silence as a way to avoid "crucial conversations" and protect ourselves, usually inappropriately, from the danger of speaking up about controversial subjects. To revisit that issue, click here. This month, we are looking at the use of silence as a positive tool. We are examining the silence you employ when you aren't sure what you think about a situation, when you are not fully informed, when you've been surprised by an offer or by a criticism. This is the silence that gives you time to think, an opportunity to investigate, and the luxury of looking thoughtful rather than flustered. It helps you avoid stating the obvious and saying the wrong thing. It communicates strength of character, self-confidence, and self-possession.






1. Know when to be silent.
Watch for these clues that it is time to remain silent: you are not clear about your own feelings on a subject; you feel rushed to make a decision you're not comfortable with; you are suddenly angry and want to lash out at someone; you are confused and don't know where to begin asking questions. For other clues, think about those times you have said something and almost immediately wished you could reel those words back into your mouth. Determine what triggered your regretted words and remember, when those circumstances repeat themselves, that it is time for you to be quiet!

2. Let an awkward silence sit.
This falls under Tip #1, but is so compelling it deserves its own Tip. When you experience an awkward silence, it is a good rule of thumb to remain silent simply because it is awkward. Otherwise, the awkwardness itself could lead you to speak too soon, with too little thought, and with too little information, just to end everyone's discomfort. Two results are possible: the first is that you say something you later wish you hadn't. Perhaps you spill information prematurely, sound uninformed, look foolish, or come across as defensive. The other possibility is that you miss what the speaker is trying to get across to you. According to Nancy Foster, Director of the Northern California Mediation Center, "Because many listeners become self-conscious with silence, they feel the need to 'break' it by talking or asking questions. Unfortunately, this usually disrupts and derails the speaker." Here is where silence and listening work together. You remain silent to give the speaker time to marshal his or her thoughts so that you can listen when he finally does speak.

3. Make your silence thoughtful and receptive.
If you are thoughtful and receptive in your silence you will almost certainly look thoughtful and receptive. Test this by paying attention to how others respond to your silence. A receptive silence will encourage others to talk, both because you make them feel you are ready to hear them and because it creates a gentle awkwardness they seek to end by filling the silence. A cold or disapproving silence, on the other hand, is often a communication disaster. It can cause people to clam up out of fear of incurring further displeasure by saying the wrong thing. It causes others to want to figure out what you want to hear before they speak, which means you will learn nothing you don't already know.


4. When you must say something, say "I need to think about that."
When you want to use silence but feel compelled to say something, say you have to think about it. When you say it with calm assurance it is not likely to be interpreted as a sign of weakness or of being uninformed or of fearing to make a decision. You have made a decision, and that decision is to think about it.

Silence can be a sign of strength and self-assuredness, as evidenced by the popularity of the "strong silent type" in movies, books, and television. Let silence work for you, and you can improve both your communication skills and your image.

What the sages say about silence
"In silence man can most readily preserve his integrity." Meister Eckhart, Directions for the Contemplative Life.

"And silence, like a poultice, comes to heal the blows of sound." Oliver Wendell Holmes, The Music Grinders.

"For words divide and rend; But silence is most noble till the end." Algernon Charles Swinburne, Atalanta in Calydon.

"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence." Publilius Syrus, Maxim 1070.

"What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence." Ludwig Wittgenstein, Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus [1922].

"Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage." Publilius Syrus, Maxim 914.

"Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech." Martin Farquhar Tupper, Proverbial Philosophy [1838-1842]. Of Discretion.

"Smart people speak from experience--smarter people, from experience, don't speak." Speaker's Desk Book of Quips, Quotes and Anecdotes.

"I think the first virtue is to restrain the tongue: he approaches nearest to the Gods, who knows how to be silent, even though he is in the right." Cato. Speaker's Desk Book of Quips, Quotes and Anecdotes.

"By silence, I hear other men's imperfections and conceal my own." Zeno. Speaker's Desk Book of Quips, Quotes and Anecdotes.