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Issue #27: June 30, 2003
To our readers:
Have you ever had one of those encounters that got your blood boiling and the
heat rising from your face as you attempted to deal with an important and controversial
subject; when you were criticized for an opinion, a mistake, or a behavior; when you were
responsible for straightening out a messy situation? Almost certainly you have, and what
you were involved in at the time was a crucial conversation, according to Kerry Patterson,
Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler, corporate consultants whose recently published
book Crucial Conversations was based on 25 years of research into the keys to organizational
success.
In their study of high-performing companies they found that success was not the result of
systems or procedures, but rather of successful face-to-face conversations in which people
talked about whatever needed to be talked about, no matter how difficult that seemed.
"In the worst companies, poor performers are first ignored and then transferred.
In good companies, bosses eventually deal with problems. In the best companies, everyone
holds everyone else accountable--regardless of level or position," the authors reported.
People hold each other accountable by engaging in crucial conversations.
The authors define a crucial conversation as a discussion between two or more people where
1) stakes are high, 2) opinions vary, and 3) emotions run strong.
The most glaring consequences of a failure to engage in crucial conversations are evident
in the collapse of Enron, the failure of the FBI to take advantage of one agent's information
about possible terrorists, and Coca-Cola's not dealing quickly and cleanly with its insider's
news that someone had rigged a taste test involving Burger King. As reported in newspapers,
in each of these cases one or more employees attempted to bring a destructive situation to
light and were unable to get the appropriate leaders to listen, pay attention, and hold
people accountable.
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If you haven't already mastered the ability to engage in crucial conversations,
you can learn to. Adapted from the book Crucial Conversations are:
Four Tips for Talking Through Tough Situations
1. Step away from the interaction and look at yourself as if you were an outsider
When in the middle of a highly-charged conversation, look at what you are doing and why.
Ask yourself what your motive is. Did you initiate the interchange to solve a problem in your
department, and find yourself being harshly criticized for something that's not really your
fault? And has your desire to solve the problem morphed into a desire to prove your accuser
wrong? Did someone challenge your assessment of an important issue and make you look foolish,
so that your initial desire to improve a procedure has become a desire to make the other person
look as foolish as you feel? Consciously viewing yourself and the situation objectively gives
you the opportunity to see what's really happening rather than what your instinct for
self-preservation might tell you is happening. For instance, it lets you see that you've
moved from a problem-solving position to a self-protective one.
2. Ask yourself these questions: What do I really want for myself?
What do I really want for others?
Asking yourself these questions can actually change your physiology.
"When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts
of our brain that help us think, and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight
or begin a fight," according to Patterson, Grenny, et al. If you ask yourself what you really
want, and the answer is to make sure your department has a fail-safe system for stopping theft,
then you can give up fighting with the person who has put you on the spot and focus on talking,
listening, and behaving in ways that lead to solving the theft problem. That usually means
first you listen to what the other person is saying, without jumping in to defend yourself.
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3. Give up
Give up wanting to win, give up seeking revenge, and give up hoping to remain safe.
All of these goals make conducting a successful crucial conversation impossible.
Wanting to win and seeking revenge focus your attention on negative and useless details
and behaviors. And when you win or achieve revenge, that's all you've got! Whatever needed
improvement or correction or creative problem-solving remains unimproved, incorrect, and a
problem. Trying to remain safe guarantees you won't engage in useful crucial conversations
because they are, by their nature, apparently risky. (They frequently are not as risky as
people expect them to be.) In any case, Patterson, Grenny, et al. point to the number of
disastrous hospital errors that result from someone's desire to remain safe.
In one representative case, no fewer than seven hospital employees wondered why a
surgeon was getting ready to operate on a patient's foot when she was scheduled for a
tonsillectomy, but not one asked about it because each one feared making the surgeon angry.
4. Get all the relevant information out into the open
The Crucial Conversations authors call this the one thing, because it is so important.
For a crucial conversation to succeed you must give each and every bit of information its
hearing. Coax into expression the feelings, opinions, and theories of those concerned.
Lay it all out for consideration and review. In this case, "what you don't know won't hurt
you," is probably not true. What you don't know can rain failure down upon you. Make it your
job to see that you, and everyone else concerned, know everything about the subject at hand,
even those controversial, hidden, shameful little facts that people usually try to ignore.
They never go away when you ignore them, they just operate underground, without restraint.
There is much more to engaging in crucial conversations than can be covered in Brief Tips.
Read Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan,
and Al Switzler and learn how to refuse the sucker's choice, how to speak persuasively--not
abrasively, how to deal with someone who breaks all the rules, and much more.
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