Tips for Rising Above Rudeness With Questions of Clarification

 
Issue # 55: May 23, 2006

To our readers:

Being on the receiving end of rudeness is an occupational hazard in the workplace today. When you deal with people (coworkers, bosses, customers) it’s inevitable that you’re going to run into someone who will be downright rude, if not insulting. When it does happen, take it in stride. It may help to remember what novelist F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote: “It’s not a slam at you when people are rude; it’s a slam at the people they’ve met before.” When someone makes a completely uncalled-for remark, it’s usually because he or she is angry about something that happened to him previously – something that didn’t even involve you.

Nonetheless, it is difficult to maintain a cool head and a detached attitude when someone is being rude to you. The natural impulse is to counter-attack with some rudeness of your own, but you won’t get anywhere by matching the rudeness or bad manners of an ill tempered, out-of-control person. A much better way to handle rudeness is to follow the Golden Rule. You may not be aware of it, but this “rule” is found in Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, Judaism, and Islam. Seven world faiths embrace this concept; perhaps there is some truth to be found here!

Rise above rudeness. Treat people the way you would like to be treated, and unless they are truly unbalanced emotionally, they will almost always respond positively.












Rather than simply asking, “What’s your problem?!?” when confronted with rude words and behavior, try asking questions of clarification.


Tips for asking questions of clarification:

1. Ask Probing questions.

Probing questions help you learn more about the problem or situation that led to the rudeness. For example: “Can you give me a specific example of what you mean (when you say I’m an idiot, or when you say we have serious communication problems)?”

2. Ask Clarifying questions.

Clarifying questions offer a way to double-check your understanding of what the other person has told you. For example: “Do I understand correctly that what you are saying is . . . ?” or “When you say I don’t make any sense, are you saying I’m leaving out information that would help you understand my point?”










3. Ask Process questions.

Process questions help you ensure that the other person is comfortable with the way you’re conducting the conversation. Just a few questions will suffice. For example: “Do you have any concerns about what we have discussed so far?” or “Would you like some time to mull it over?” or “Is this a really frustrating situation for you?”

A well-known story tells of the time Booker T. Washington was walking down the street with a white friend when he was roughly elbowed into the gutter by a passing pedestrian. His friend was furious, exclaiming, “How can you tolerate such an insult?” To which Washington replied, “I defy any man to make me hate.”

Defy anyone to cause you to respond with rudeness!

Please address your reactions and comments to: kirk@kirkmillerandassoc.com