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Issue
50: October 10, 2005
To our readers:
Most of us would prefer that our customers and colleagues all like us and never get angry with us. If we make this our guiding principle, however, we are bound to be disappointed. While it is certainly worthwhile to try to make our customers and colleagues happy, the truth is that many jobs involve upholding standards, setting limits, providing "bad news," and any number of other "jobs" that will make someone angry.
When someone is angry, that anger is a feeling that belongs to that other person and it is hard to affect directly. It is most often a natural defense against pain or fear, and is not in itself a bad thing. We need to provide some leeway for people to express their anger, provided the expressions are not demeaning, insulting or manipulative. If we react to every four-letter word, twitch, or raised voice we will go nuts, and we won't be very good at defusing the abusive situations.
Hostile and abusive behavior is another story. It is realistic to hope to reduce the amount of hostile behavior - both verbal and nonverbal - that you deal with.
Abusive behavior is about control. The hostile or abusive person is trying to manipulate and control you and your decision-making. This is where you want to draw the line.
Since we are talking about hostile customers (and possibly colleagues), we can say that their purpose is to control you, to influence your reactions in the hope that you will do whatever it is they want. It really doesn't make a lot of sense, but the tactics, stemming from childhood, really don't have to make sense.
Much of the outrage that upset people experience comes from their feeling that the other person does not understand their position and/or is not hearing what they are trying to say. This is often why they continue to escalate their behavior; it is an attempt to force someone to simply acknowledge their very real feelings.
Understanding this can help you make use of some critical principles of defusing hostility. The first is that it is important to avoid being controlled. You must avoid responding to nasty attacks in ways the attacker wants. If you refuse to be controlled, which means refusing to react the way your attacker wishes or expects, then you will be on your way to stopping the attack.
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What the attacker wants, or expects, which you will not deliver:
1. That when attacked you will respond defensively.
Often this defense will consist of denying the charge leveled at you. Common defensive responses would be: I only work here. I try the best I can. We are short-staffed. I am treating you fairly. I know what I'm doing. We don't lose files. Defensive statements almost always have the word "I" in them, or the word "we". Avoid responding with defensive statements, no matter how tempting. If you use a defensive statement, you are playing the attacker's game by the attacker's rules.
2. That when attacked you will counter-attack.
Common counter-attacking remarks would be: You have no right to talk to me like that. You don't know what you are talking about. Get out. It's too bad your parents didn't teach you manners. Counter-attacking remarks almost always contain the word "you," although sometimes the "you" is implied (e.g. Get out). Avoid counter-attacking. Remember that when you do what the attacker expects, you encourage the attacker to continue his or her tirade.
What the attacker most likely doesn't expect, which you will deliver:
1. Deal with the person's feelings first.
An angry person has very real needs. Certainly the ultimate need of the average angry and upset person is to have someone address his problem. He also needs someone to acknowledge his feelings. Only then can he begin to interact with you constructively. The angrier the person, the more important it is to acknowledge their anger through the use of empathy statements and listening responses first, before moving on to the issue. Problem-solving with angry people often results in wasted time.
The trick is to understand what lies underneath the anger. Any psychologist will tell you that anger is a secondary emotion. Scratch that away and you have only two choices for the real root of the problem: fear or hurt. That's it. Under all that attack and all those abusive words is either fear or hurt.
2. Begin to defuse early.
Angry and frustrated people usually indicate their mood prior to opening their mouths and beginning a hostile attack. You can pre-empt the attack by beginning the defusing process before the other person gets on an abusive rant. For example,
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if you notice a customer looking irate and angry, use an empathetic response like: "Hi, Mr. Jackson, you look like you are really upset with something. What's up?" Something as simple as that might make a huge difference in setting a more respectful tone for the interaction.
3. Be assertive, not manipulative, passive, or aggressive.
You have a right to take action and to impose consequences in situations where someone has stepped over the line in their comments or behaviors. In fact, if you don't speak up for yourself in these situations, people with bullying tendencies will perceive you as an acceptable victim.
When dealing with this kind of person, it is important to use assertive statements and set limits on what you will endure. It is important in these cases to not dwell on the way the person is communicating any more than necessary. Make your statement, then refocus the conversation back on the issue. For example, say:
"Mr. Jackson, I will help you sort this out so you have what you need. In order to help you I need you to slow down a minute, and answer a few questions so we can get this done."
Notice that the response is firm, clear, and assertive. If Mr. Jackson persists in being nasty or personal you are within your rights to say:
"Mr. Jackson, if you will answer my questions we can get you those letters. I can help you, but if you continue to raise your voice I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I would much rather help you. Which will it be?"
The critical, unspoken message: "It isn't going to work with me."
Remember that aggressive, abusive, and manipulative people look for victims they can control, using a variety of confrontation-provoking behaviors. When dealing with such people the important message to send, using the tips above, is "What you are doing isn't going to work with me. I will not be bullied, or suckered into stupid arguments, or feel insulted and give you the satisfaction of reacting to the abuse." In short, let your calm demeanor and reasonable responses tell them: It isn't going to work with me.
Once aggressive people realize they aren't going to be able to control you by making you angry or upset, they are more likely to aim their nasty behavior elsewhere and leave you free to do your job under more pleasant circumstances.
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